Bank Posts Profit

The Royal Bank of Stoke has posted a profit of 27 pence for the first half of the financial year.

"We're overjoyed with these results," says CEO Phil Oobies. "Following our record losses last year of 45 pence, we're glad to be back in the black. All profits will be reinvested in the business to help stimulate further growth."

Housewife Would Have Antichrist

Stoke housewife Rebecca Carp has said that she would be prepared to raise the offspring of the royal lord of evil, Satan.

Mrs Carp is reported to have told strangers she doesn't know that if a child of her's turned out to be the child of Satan, she would still love it and raise it as if it was a "norm".

"I was shocked," said an onlooker. "I'm of a delicate disposition and hearing such bile literally turned my stomach inside out. I've tried washing but the stain won't go away."

Stoke Film Club

The Stoke Film Club meets again tomorrow in Hanley at City Hall. This weeks film will be the 2011 remake of 'Footloose', following on from last week's showing of the original film.

The film presentation will be followed by a round table discussion of the relative merits of the two films.

"Kevin Bacon has been invited," says Stoke Film Club secretary Jenny Cockshoot. "We've had no response but we're hopeful he'll make an appearance."

Tickets are still available from Stoke City Hall.

Pulis Lookalike Gutted At Mackems Snub

Award winning Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz, known professionally as "Tony Pulis Germany", has expressed his disappointment at Tony Pulis missing out on the manager's job at Sunderland.

"Tony was perfect for this job," wrote Gunther on his blog. "Instead, they gave it to a gimp faced Uruguayan who smears shit on walls."

Sunderland lost their first game yesterday under Gus Poyet 4-0 to Swansea.

"This would not happen under Tony's fuehrership," added Gunther. "He knows how to drill men in red and white stripes, and the Sunderland players are used to getting shouted at."

Local Woman In Dictatorship Death Claim

Local housewife and busybody Rebecca Carp has vowed to punish local crims with the death penalty if she ever becomes dictator of an independent Republic of Stoke.

"I'm sick of crims ruining this city," says the embittered woman, 40. "Chopping their cocks off isn't enough for me, death will be dealt out."

Mrs Carp has no current plans to take the city by force but has not ruled out a future assault.

"I could do it if I wanted, but it's hard to find the time, having a bunch of kids an' all," says the Lionel Richie fan.

It's Official: Stoke Is Better Than London

Stokies are celebrating after a poll announced London as Britain's crappiest town.

http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2013/oct/05/crap-towns-london-bradford-chipping-norton

Stoke came a respectable tenth in the poll, nine places better than the capital.

"If things go well, we could drop down to the teens next year," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "That's where we belong."

Workplace Mug Theft On The Rise

An alarming new trend is sweeping the nation, the theft of people's personal mugs and cups from their places of work.

"We see this as a corporate crime," says Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "White collar crime at its absolute worst. In some ways, this is one of the worst crimes a crim can commit, it's close to identity theft. We are taking this very seriously indeed and have already set up a taskforce and hotline."

EYE ON STOKE editor Monty Deschanel says: "This is a real crime that affects real people, not just high powered executives like me. You could be next. Think about that before your grubby, sticky fingers think about taking that Audrey Hepburn mug from the work kitchen."

Dennis Rodman Visits North Longton

Former basketball star Dennis Rodman has paid a visit to the troubled ward of North Longton to meet with firebrand council leader Den Biggins.

North Longton has been ostracised within Stoke for its use of fireworks at inappropriate times of the day and for imprisoning South Longton missionaries who have been there.

"We will not be talking about that," says Rodman. "I'm just here to shoot the shit, and maybe a few hoops," he told reporters from The Daily Gargoyle.

Mr Biggins, no relation to Wayne, or to a lesser extent Christopher, hit the headlines recently when he withdrew from diplomatic relations with Stoke's other towns and closed down their embassies in North Longton.

Hide-And-Seek Premier League Returns

The Barclays Hide-And-Seek Premier League returns today after its summer break and excitement is running high in the city.

"The new season comes with promise-a-plenty," says South Longton Vikings fan Gib Bros. "We've brought in some big money signings and I'm looking forward to a more expansive style of play this year."

More transfer fees have been spent than ever before as clubs chase domestic and European glory.

The big game of the day will be at Hanley Library where Hanley Hogs take on championship favourites Dresden Dandies. The Dandies have signed some young, exciting, technically gifted French seekers to add to their already strong English hiders. 

City To Honour The Power

Stoke City Council has confirmed plans to honour darts champion Phil "The Power" Taylor by handing out darts to children and placing dart boards around the city.

"Short of building a statue of the great man, this is as good as it gets," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "We hope to raise the next generation of champions too."

Enclosed with the darts will be a note asking children not to use them for tom-foolery, crime or stabbing.