Stoke’s Top Cleric Stands Down

Stoke's highest Catholic, Cardinal Gary Grundies, has been forced to stand down after historic allegations of inappropriate behaviour were made against him.

The allegations, that date back to Grundies's time as a young priest, have yet to be investigated. The claims by other priests include the allegation that he once did a shit in the middle of a nun's playground, that he regularly flicked other priests' bare backsides with towels in changing rooms and that he once made a group of YTS priests play a game of "spunky biscuit".

Cardinal Grundies, who was on the panel that chooses the panel that will choose the panel that decides who the next pope will be, has decided to devote more time to his music career. He will keep his title and robes as part of his severance package.

Uncle Terry Solves Your Problems, No Thanks Needed

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

One of my neighbours sneaks into my lovely garden and night and shits in the middle of my lawn. I've confronted her but she denies it even though I've seen her do it. What should I do? - Ken Bird, Norton

I would do the same to her, see how she likes it. Wander into her garden the next time you need a dump and give her a taste of her own medicine. If this doesn't work, consider leaving traps on your lawn at night.

Even though I work as a lawyer, and earn lots of money, I've always dreamed of being a dancer. Should I follow my dream? - Debbie Runcorn

I always advise people to follow their dreams. Pole dancing is a good starting point, and it's an industry with high staff turnovers so it should be easy to get work. You can always supplement your income by doing pornos. One day you may then get your dream and work with stars like Jonathan Wilkes, in a touring production of Chicago or something.

I run over someone the other day with my car, there's no way I'm doing bird for it - Mick, Tunstall

Firstly, you need to get rid of any evidence from your car; that means blood, DNA evidence, bits of clothing. I would recommend an industrial car wash. If there's dents in your car, they need sorting out too. A cheap, backstreet garage will do, or even a local lowlife on the dole to do it. If you can fabricate an alibi, that will help, and if there are any witnesses, these will need eliminating. If you can achieve most or all of this, you should be ok.

Stokies Have The Biggest Knobs

Men is Stoke have been walking around like the cock-of-the-walk all week after a national survey found that Stokies have the biggest meat in Britain.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4795686/Men-in-Stoke-on-Trent-have-the-longest-willies-in-Britain.html

"This is no surprise to me," said city councillor Jinky Watkins. "I've been telling women this for years, maybe now they'll listen."

Wayne Biggins: I’d Never Kill Anyone

Stoke sporting superstar Wayne Biggins has calmed fears that all of our sporting heroes are secretly little more than drug-taking murderers behind closed doors.

A Biggins insider exclusively told EYE ON STOKE: "Wazza would never do anything like this, he's not known as 'The People's Champion' for nothing. He loves his fans, perhaps even too much if I'm being honest."

"Like all working class heroes, Wayne has built up a collection of cricket bats, guns and samurai swords over the years," admits the insider. "But they're for recreational purposes only, not for doing murders with."

Crime Fan: Pisto Looks Guilty

One of Stoke's leading crime experts says that Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius is guilty of murder and should get the death penalty.

"I've studied the TV and newspaper coverage in The Sun closely," says white van man Clem Fister. "I would definitely vote guilty if I was on the jury and press for the introduction of the death penalty in South Africa just for this case."

What has lead Clem to believe that Oscar is guilty?

"He looks shifty for a start," says the Micky Adams fan, 50. "And let's face it, there's no smoke without fire. South African Police wouldn't have charged a white man with a crime if he hadn't done it. Case closed."

Stokie To Become Pope?

When current Pope Benedict stands down at the end of the month, word on the street is that the next man in line to replace him could be a Stokie.

The Archbishop of Packmoor, Terry Biggins, has so far refused to rule himself out of the race for the big job.

Archbishop Terry Biggins

"Although I'm happy here in Packmoor, if one of the big teams like The Vatican comes in for me, I will have to consider my options," he told Signal Gold breakfast host Mad Mick.

"I'm an ambitious man and would love to get into Europe and onto the big stage," he added.

What's The Beef?

By Dick Mellor, the people's champion.

Why are we all so bothered that our beef supplies have turned out to be largely horse meat? I'll tell you why: because the lefty, lesbi-friends, veggie elite, who want to turn us all into mindless automatons who get our nutrients from "natural" foods and hug trees, have made such a fuss about it. Well I for one won't be giving up meat and will be buying up supplies of the beef lasagne that contains the horse meat, I don't care. Give me a scorpion on a stick, like that lot of commies in the Orient eat, I'll take it, as long as it's classed as meat. Eating meat is natural and it's the only way we can to stand up to this menace.

I also see that our clam-munching friends at the Guardian are trying to put an end to Page 3. I met a Guardian reader once and he was a pervert. If I wanna look at titties, and I do, then I should be allowed to do so. If you don't like looking at titties, then fuck off to commie China, where titties are outlawed.

*This week's column is dedicated to our departing Pope.

Horse DNA Found In Oatcakes

Stokies have been shocked to the core by the recent revelation that horsemeat has been discovered in oatcake dishes for sale in local shops.

"I'm shocked," says oatcake fan Barry Riley. "But it won't stop me from buying the savoury treats, it's too late for that."

"I'm really happy about this," says vegetarian Gary Riley. "I hope all you meat-munching fucks out there get mad cow disease. Serves you right."

"Maybe we're more like the French than we thought," says racist thug Rachel Slink. "Next thing you know we'll be having cheese and snail oatcakes."

In Focus: Goms Mill

Goms Mill is located in South Central Stoke, just below Longton.

Originally called "Gummers Mill", the town took its name from a toothless prostitute who plied her trade next to the local castle.

Goms Mill is home to Britain's biggest horse meat factory.

Famous people from Goms Mill include serial killer Mick Hammer and rocker Lenny Kravitz.

There are more people called Terry per square foot of Goms Mill than in any other part of Stoke.

Due to an ancient local law, the town is policed not by Staffordshire Police but by the Goms Mill Republican Army, an independent militia governed by God.

The official drink of Goms Mill is special brew.

The official food of Goms Mill is kebab.

The biggest selling single ever in Goms Mill is Michael Bolton's definitive (cover) version of 'If You Don’t Know Me By Now'.

It is still legal in Goms Mill for men to beat their "wenches".

Goms Mill waterfall, the scene of Stoke's biggest people massacre this century, is among the biggest in the city, though not one of the best.

Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.