Port Vale News

Port Vale have announced ambitious to attract more female fans to games at a press conference at Mothercare in Hanley today.

"We are living in the 20th Century now and women are an important part of Stoke and the world," club director Wayne Bungle announced. "They have their own money and free time nowadays so why not come to Vale Park and cheer the Scamps on?"

The club carried out a survey amongst its male season ticket holders to see what women like and would attract them to games.

"The results were clear: women like knitting, wine and dancing," Bungle continued. "As such, we will be opening a knitting section in the Sentinel Stand, employing male dancers in all four stands and opening our own vineyard in Burslem to produce Port Vale branded wine."

Following a standing ovation, and a little dance, Bungle finished the conference. "With this, Vale has shown itself to be the most forward-thinking club in the country. Onwards and upwards!"

Punters Fear Post-Brexit Prostitute Price Hike

Punters and Johns from around the city have urged Stoke City Council to ensure a price freeze on sex workers once Britain leaves the EU following last year's Brexit vote.

Dave Holdcroft, president of the Stoke Society of Shaggers [SSS], worries rising inflation and the departure of EU and non-EU citizens from Stoke will lead to a massive price rise for sexual services.

"The price of fanny has already gone up by 10% since June," Dave says. "Foreign fanny is normally cheaper, but when there's none of it about, what the fuck are we gonna do?"

"The fact of the matter is that Stoke slags just don't wanna be pros no more in the way they did in the past," Dave continues. "Local women have gotten lazy. The council needs to regulate and promote the industry, maybe even nationalise it, or Stokalise it, as you might say. This is important."

2016 Review: December

Ancient cave paintings were discovered by students in Packmoor on a school trip, which local historians claim to be over 18,000 years old!

"This is the historical find of the century," Staffordshire University lecturer Quentin Git proclaimed. "These give an insight into ancient humanity that no other similar find in the whole world has ever done. We've yet to decipher everything, like what words like 'dave' or 'shaz' or 'tupac' mean, or why they had a fascination with drawing ejaculating penises, but this changes everything we thought we knew about the world and humanity."