Big Science News

A new scientific study has shown that people who use the crying with laughter emoji are the least funny.

"I'm pretty shocked to be fair," scientist Clam Jeffries, based at Staffordshire University said. "My girlfriend uses them at the end of every text and Facebook post and she's a right bubbly character."

The study analysed millions of social media posts by users throughout Stoke over the past three years using an algorithm that determines how funny something actually is.

"What we found was that the crying with laughter emoji seemed to be a trick to try and make people think that something is funny when it really isn't," Clam added. "It's used almost exclusively by women. I'm saying no more."

Stokestarter

A Stoke City fan has set up a kickstarter fund to raise money to create transfer rumours linking Shaun Wright-Phillips with a move to the Pottermusses.

"This is the first transfer window for 6 years where SWP hasn't been linked to Stoke," Terry Wendy writes on the page. "Help me rectify this by giving me enough money to be able to quit my job as a solicitor so that I can focus my time entirely on creating rumours of him joining Stoke this summer."

The fund has so far raised £95,000 of the £125,000 target goal, with 7 more days to go. Stretch goals at £150,000 include a rap song about the diminutive winger and a mock up poster of him tying up Marko Arnautovic's topknot to all backers.

Wright-Phillips currently plays for New York Red Bulls in the USA of A, where he averages a goal every 19 games.

Vale Announce New Club Badge

Local Endsleigh League team Port Vale FC have unveiled a new club badge ahead of the forthcoming football season.

Featuring symbols representing the club and its hometown of Burslem, the crest was designed by noted local artist Colin Muntford, best known for his statues of giant pigeons that adorn the streets and rooftops of Tunstall.

"This is the commission of a lifetime," Muntford told cheering Vale fans from the centre circle of Vale Park ahead of a pre-season friendly against Real Madrid. "I've got Vale in my blood, heart and gametes! Up the Scamps!"

The new badge will feature on the new Vale strip to be announced soon, as well as all official merchandise and letterheads.

Crouchy Hopeful Of England Recall

With the appointment of Sam "Big Sam Allardyce" Allardyce as the new England manager, insiders say that Stoke City legend Peter Crouch is hopeful of a recall to the national side.

"Big Sam likes to play aerial football," local football writer Dave Stevens explained. "As Crouchy is the proverbial head-on-a-stick, he would be perfectly suited to the style of play."

"Crouchy was outstanding last season," a member of Crouch's dance crew told EYE ON STOKE. "The stats of 2 goals in 18 games don't tell the whole story. He brought glamour to the Stoke dressing room, busted some new dance moves and inspired a generation, things few other players can boast."

Crouch last played for England in 2010, the year Leslie Nielsen died.

Last Chance To Steal From BHS

Stokies have been warned that with the city's branch of BHS to close soon, there won't be many more chances to shoplift from the store.

"I first stole from BHS in the 1930s," Stoke centenarian Frank Jobs remembers. "I had no interest in stealing from anywhere else, it's like a tradition round here."

Such is the widespread nature of stealing from the store, stealing something or getting it for free in the city has become known as "paying the BHS price".

"Maybe everyone just stealing stuff from BHS instead of paying for it is why they're going out of business," retail expert Rebecca Gingle said. "Just putting the idea out there."

Brexit Fuels 'Stexit' Hopes

Britain's recent vote in favour of leaving the European Union, better known as Brexit, has fuelled hopes in the city that the long held dream of Stoke becoming a completely independent republic could become a reality.

Stoke City Council has so far batted away questions on the subject, while spokesmen for the Council of Elders, Stoke's supreme ruling body, has refused to take questions of any kind since last Christmas.

Stoke previously fought a war of independence in 1974, when it declared itself the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent, no longer a part of England or the UK. Stoke lost.

"The only reason I voted for Brexit so that Stexit might follow," Stokie Doris Ahmed said. "I care no more for them pig-fuckers in London than I do for those snail-munching rear view mirror cowardly fucktards in France, I want rid of all of them."

"I voted for Brexit cuz I hate foreigners," EYE ON STOKE reader Cub Gunns e-mailed.

Jonathan Wilkes's views on Stexit are also unknown at this time.