Kuntz Torn, But Happy

Gunther Kuntz

Stoke City 0-1 West Brom Baggies

The world's number one Tony Pulis lookalike, Gunther Kuntz, has declared himself happy with the result of yesterday's game at The Brit, but is sad for Stoke.

"I was Stoke fan for much years, so ja, I see both sides of the pastry on this one," Gunther said at the post-match press conference. "I am most happy for Tony. He deserve the luck."

Pulis's job was made much easier when Stoke had two players sent off in the first half, both of whom were foreigners.

"I was touched by the reaction Tony got from the Stoke fans before the game," Gunther added, referring to the standing ovation for the former Stoke and current Baggies manager. "Tony milked those teets for all of the love, I think it made the Stoke fans and players lose an edge or two, helping the Baggies win."

Swiss Day Ends In Disaster

Stoke's much vaunted Swiss day, held yesterday to welcome soccer star Xherdan Shaqiri to the city, ended in bloodshed when Stoke was invaded by warriors from Naples seeking revenge for their defeat by the Swiss in the War of the Seventh Coalition of 1815.

The day started as planned with Primark hosting a giant fondue party and triangles of Toblerone being given out in the city centre. This soon turned to bloodshed however when a Neapolitan tank rolled into the city centre and fired at revellers, killing dozens of people in tracksuits.

A platoon of soldiers followed the tank and laid waste to members of the public. Fortunately, a group of football hooligans, banned from following Stoke City to away matches, manned up and fought the Italian invaders.

The fighting was fierce but the Stokies eventually defeated the Neapolitans, sending them back to Italy with their tails firmly between their legs, where they belong.

Stoke To Go Swiss For The Day

Stoke City Council has announced that the city will "go Swiss" for the day this Saturday to celebrate the arrival of Swiss footballer Xherdan Shaqiri to the club.

"Xherdy is a top, top lad," city councillor Jinky Watkins said. "It's fitting to welcome him to the city by sharing his Swiss heritage with the rest of the plebs who live here."

The celebration is being timed to coincide with Shaqiri's debut for the club away to Norwich City.

"Even though Stoke are away from home this Saturday, Stokies will get to do traditional Swiss things like eating fondue and drinking absinthe. Stoke will also go neutral for the day and not go to war with anyone," Cllr Watkins added. "We will also have a massive welcome card for Xherdy propped up against the Stanley Matthews statue in Hanley for people to sign."