River Trent Voted World’s Best

A poll amongst Stokies has found that local river, the River Trent, is considered the world's best.

"I'm not surprised by this outcome," city councillor Jinky Watkins said. "The River Trent is a fine river, a magnificent river, and a worthy winner. It's not known as 'the people's river' for nothing."

"The River Trent holds a mythical status that no other water based thing can match," explains Billy Binger, Professor of Trent Studies at Staffordshire University. "To this day, debates rage all over the world about where the fabled source of the River Trent is. Some say it's Knypersley Reservoir, some say elsewhere. I guess we'll never know. It's this kind of hype that keeps the Trent in people's hearts and minds."

The results of the poll were:

Trent 90%

Churnet 5%

Nile 3%

Danube 2%

Last with no votes was the Thames.

Stoke Culinary Classics With Chef Barry Cockles

No. 2: Coq au Tizer

Fizzy pop is one of the essential food groups in Stoke, and Tizer is king of the fizzy drinks when it comes to meat.

Coq au Tizer is usually made with chicken (cock), but really any meat will do. I recommend going to J. and P. Fahey butchers in Sneyd Green, they stock a good range of meats (including game) and also sell 2 litre bottles of Tizer. All your shopping needs, basically.

Cook whatever meat(s) you've chosen to use, then put it in your pot. Add seasoning (salt and vinegar) and anything else you want, such as leaves or bits of oatcake. Pour in the Tizer and cook for 45-60 minutes, until the meat is tender, preferably melted together into one big mass.

Normally, mushrooms would be added at this point, but I don't like them so I wouldn't recommend doing that.

Remove the meat and anything else in the pot and place them on a warm serving dish. Add butter and flour to the Tizer sauce left in the pot, and whisk while bringing to the boil. When the sauce has thickened, pour over your meat and voila! Coq au Tizer!

Cockney Spotted In Stoke

Stokies have been warned to be on the lookout after reports that a Cockney was spotted in the city centre last night.

"I definitely heard one at The Reginald Mitchell," Mandy Fistsock said. "It was saying stuff like 'guv'nor', 'wassup' and 'lovely jubbly'. It was a horrible abuse of the English language. I just left and never looked back."

"There has been more crime lately than normal," PC Barry Shanks of Staffordshire Police said. "We attributed it to the half term school holidays, but a cockney on the loose would make much more sense. When we finally catch it, we can probably also link it to any unsolved crimes since its been in the area too."

"If you see a cockney, do not approach it," PC Shanks warns. "Call the police and get well away from it."

Hand Jobs For The Handicapped

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