Tony Blairs At The Root Of 21st Century Wars, Say Religious Extremists

Extremist religious groups from within Stoke have reignited the debate about the west's response to terrorism by calling on governments to recognise former British president Tony Blairs as the biggest source of conflict in the world.

Writing in The Daily Gargoyle, terrorist union spokesman Ken Wok argued: "One thing is obvious: wars are motivated by abuses of power."

Wok added that terrorists need to be ready to take action for protection, though, such militant actions "will not deal with the root cause of Tony Blairs".

Wok also used the article to talk about the creation of a new online forum for terrorists, which he hopes will become the world's leading source of information and debate about Tony Blairs and pointless conflicts.

Late Contender For Stoke's 2013 Man Of The Year

David Sherratt of Tunstall has made a late bid to be Stoke's man of the year for 2013, an award thought to be a formality for Jonathan Wilkes, after the completion of his court case earlier today for outraging public decency and causing harassment, alarm and distress.

http://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/Man-walks-bar-naked-waist-carrying-ag-sex-toys/story-20492423-detail/story.html

Mr Sherratt entered a pub in Tunstall on 16 November last year, wearing nothing below the waist and carrying a bag of sex toys. He then told other customers: "If you don't like it, you can take it outside."

The charge of outraging public decency was dropped, but Mr Sherratt admitted the others and was handed a 12 month community order.

Following People While Hiding In A Box On The Increase, Confirms Staffordshire Police

Staffordshire Police has released its crime figures for 2013, the biggest increase being in the following of people while hiding in a box.

"We've seen a 180% increase in this particular crime," PC Barry Shanks told officials at City Hall. "The old ways are the best and this proves it."

Johnny X is a self-confessed box-follower. "No-one expects you to follow them while hiding under a big box. It's the perfect cover. I've never been caught."

Conversely, sales of boxes in the city is on the decrease. No-one can understand why.

Vaguely Positive Life Messages On The Rise

The number of people posting vaguely positive or motivational messages on social networks is on the rise, according to a new study.

"I love Facebook and I love posting slogans and memes," says single mother of seven, Kaz Fingers. "They get a lot of likes from my female friends so I know they're doing good."

"This happens every new year," says life coach Sharon Goosebaby. "These sound bites do nothing and help no-one. Real help comes from self-help books like those I write, not cheesy one-liners."

Councillor Blames UKIP For Stoke's Bad Weather

Independent City Councillor Kev Scragg has blamed political party UKIP for the recent bad weather that has hit Stoke.

"God said that if you get into bed with twats, then bad stuff will happen," the councillor told City Hall. "This is divine retribution. You've brought this on yourself you stupid bunch of fucktards. I'm going on holiday."

Cllr Scragg later said that Stoke had been beset by bad weather since Stoke got its first UKIP councillor several years ago.

"People voting UKIP is like pissing on the holy book," Cllr Scragg tweeted. "It literally is."

Man Who Chose His Own Nickname Pays Price

When John Shuttleworth decided on a change of image and decided to tell people his new nicknme was "spud", little did he realise the effect it would have on his life.

"Once someone has a nickname, the floodgates are opened," said classmate Jimbo Slags. "I immediately came up with 'Shufflebottom' but worse was to come."

"Shuttlecock," added Helen Hells. "Pretty pleased I came up with that. That soon became 'Cock', then 'Cocknose', 'Cockface' then 'Cockmuncher'. Serves him right for trying to go against nature and choose his own nickname for himself."

January Transfer Window Gossip

Stoke City

The Pottermusses have been linked with a string of big name signings, including Shaun Wright-Phillips, who has been linked with Stoke for a club record tenth straight transfer window. Now that former guv'nor Tony Pulis has found another job as Crystal Palace manager, Stoke are looking into bringing him back in a non-managerial role which would require him to sit on the bench looking gruff, to annoy the London club and to scare opposition managers.

Fegg Hayes Vikings

The Vikings's mega billionaire owner Bilal Sakander has launched audacious bids of £100 million for Lionel Messi, £125 million for Cristiano Ronaldo and £1 for Frank Lampard. "I expect them all to be accepted," Sakander told shoppers at the Potteries Centre, which he owns.

Port Vale

The Scamps have targeted the PA address system of local rivals Kidsgrove Gumps. "It's ready for the big time," manager Micky Adams was overheard saying. A bid for the corner flags at Leek Town have been turned down but the Scamps are expected to come back with a bigger offer. With planning permission granted by Stoke City Council for the Sentinel Stand to be crazy-paved, Scamps scouts will be searching the lower leagues for suitable crazy paving to take on loan with a view to a permanent transfer.

2013 Review: Part IV

October
Bilal Sakander, owner of local soccer team Fegg Hayes Vikings, unveiled a statue of Sir Cliff Richard outside of the club's 90,000 seater ground, The Hanley Economic Stadium. "Anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off to Crewe," Sakander told Vikings fans who protested the statue. It was commissioned after Sakander paid Sir Cliff a reported £1.5 million for a private concert at his palace in Dubai. "Sir Cliff is a national institution and will bring good luck to the team," Sakander added. The statue proved to be a lucky charm as the Vikings won their next game 12-3 against local rivals Kidsgrove Killers.

November

Judges in Stoke got together to form a new group committed to cutting crime in the city. "The judicial system in Stoke has failed," said Judge Barnaby Booty outside of Fenton Magistrates Court. "We shall take matters into our own hands." The new group will hunt down and give punishment it deems fair to crims who are found not guilty at trial but obviously are guilty.

December

Local saint Gary Spanners decided to cheer up children at a Trentham hospice by dressing up as Santa and giving out gifts he had purchased or made himself. The convicted paedophile, whose 10 year spell on the sex offenders register had recently come to an end, was watched at all times. "We'll be keeping an eye on him," hospice spokeswoman Kaz Starburst told reporters. "No bad can possibly come from this."

2013 Review: Part III

July

North Longton, Stoke's most controversial ward, announced that it had renamed itself as just Longton. "We see this as an act of war," said a South Longton spokesman in response. South Longton retaliated by renaming itself Longton too. "This is an act of war," a (North) Longton spokesman responded. The stand-off continued for the rest of the year.

August

Hanley Library started paying people to rent out books, but denied that it was simply a publicity stunt. "People will be paid when they return the books," explained library spokeswoman Gertrude Clinch. "But they have to do a test first so we can make sure they've read it. This is solely to make people read more."

September

A study by Staffordshire University found that 22.5% of all vending machine space in Stoke is taken up by cans of Irn Bru. "Aye, that sounds about right," Stoke's Chamber of Commerce spokesman Ted Chippington confirmed. "We don't know how or why it's so much, but it works and is what keeps Stoke going so it's best left unexplained."