2013 Review: Part II

April

Stoke’s tallest building has had its alcohol licence revoked and was torn down. The 30,000 foot high building, known as "The Standing Up Oatcake", was constructed at a cost to the taxpayer of £3 billion and was intended to be Hanley's new job centre. Despite the building being destroyed, owners FadCo still plan to appeal the revocation of the alcohol licence.

May

Stokie Benny Evangelista was shocked to discover that his penis had been banned by the EU for being "too bendy". A complaint was registered by his ex-wife Jenny following their divorce and upheld after picture evidence was presented. Facing a choice between having the offending member cut off or leaving the EU, Mr Evangelista decided to move to Thailand where he became a pimp to local hookers. 

June

Local secretary Kerry Harrison became a laughing stock in the city after an epic misspelling in an e-mail to her boss, UKIP city councillor Terry Catnip."I don't know what all the fuzz is about," she wrote in reference to Matt Smith's announcement he will be leaving 'Doctor Who'. The e-mail went viral and ended in the suicide of the bubbly blonde. "Bullying is not big and not clever," said Cllr Catnip, who had accidentally forwarded the e-mail to the whole of the civil service in Britain having added "read what the fuckwit has put now".

2013 Review: Part I

January

Hurricane Terry laid waste to much of Stoke to ruin the New Year celebrations for the 47,000 revellers killed as the storm hit Stoke just past midnight as people were still singing 'Auld Lang Syne'. Rumours that Jonathan Wilkes had died during the celebrations lead to an outpouring of grief not seen in the city since Wayne Biggins announced his retirement from football.

February

Tory councillor Ken Carp took advantage of the fact that he was the only councillor who managed to get to City Hall during the massive snow storms that crippled much of the city in early February by passing a series of laws for his own benefit. These included a city-wide 5pm curfew for people under the age of 35, the abolition of cats, the introduction of hovercraft lanes (to replace cycle lanes) and the banning of books he didn't like. Books that were banned included the Little Miss series ("the Mr Men's retarded, boring sisters"), 'Bonjour Tristesse' by Francoise Sagan ("too French") and all Dan Brown books ("they're shit").

March

Stoke City Council announced plans to build an underwater tunnel direct from Stoke to Kavos. "Most people from Stoke now holiday to Kavos," explained Michelle Barold, city councillor for holidays. "With this tunnel, we can expect people from Kavos to come holiday in Stoke too." The tunnel will cost £30 billion to build and will be funded through city council cutbacks.

Dirty Crouch Confessions

A new Tumblr page is taking the internet by storm: Dirty Crouch Confessions!

The site features the naughtiest Peter Crouch fantasies sent in by readers for the pleasure of others.

Here is a selection:

"When Crouchy had his 'tache, I wanted to rub my dugs all over it"

"Peter Crouch fingering me by the bins round the back of my local butchers"

"Crouchy, in a dress, bent over a black & decker workbench, getting a good hammering from me, while Pulis watches"

"I want Crouchy to do me up the wrong 'un while he's wearing only his Stoke football socks, pulled up to his knees"

"Just thinking about Crouchy fingering Pulis's arse in the changing rooms at the Brit makes me cum"

Police Warn Crims

Staffordshire Police have warned Stoke's criminal community: don't mess with us, we've got truncheons!

Speaking at a charity dinner at a hotel located in the thieves' quarter in Hanley, PC Barry Shanks laid down the law.

"We don't mind crims going after plebs," he roared. "But come after us, and we'll beat the shit out of them."

Criminal union spokesman Herv "The Perv" Jones was disappointed with the comments. "Police do little more than come after our members," he said. "They need to stop harassing us and do something else. I don't care what. Save some cats from trees or something."

Crewe Is Shit, Report Says

A new report published by Stoke City Council has concluded that Crewe is "shit" and that anyone who would want to go there instead of Stoke is "literally bonkers".

"When we set up our new report centre at a cost of millions earlier this year, people thought we were literally bonkers," council spokesman Jinky Watkins said at a press conference to launch the report earlier today. "But quality work like this is proof of our investment, as if it were needed."

Crewe, yesterday

The report takes into account eye witness reports from scores of people who have visited Stoke's neighbour to the west.

"We do not expect Crewe to comment on our discourse," report co-author Benny Wednesday says in his footnotes. "They would have to be able to read to do that, and we all know they can't. Fact."

Emergency Oatcakes Flown To Pulis

Staff at RAF Trentham have stepped in to help former Stoke City manager Tony Pulis get his fix of oatcakes by flying deliveries of the savoury delights straight to the man himself, even though he now lives down south!

"TP is an honorary Stokie and we're happy to help," says Lieutenant Cumberland Holdcroft. "We've been doing Tony's deliveries for years, he offered to buy his own but we wouldn't let him, for security reasons."

"You can't get proper food in London, literally everyone knows that," adds Corporal Chet Finnegan. "They're like savages down there."

Man Played By Idris Elba Dies

South African celebrity politician Nelson Mandela, best known for being played in an upcoming film by British actor Idris Elba, has died, Stoke's Council of Elders has announced.

"This must be a tough time for Idris," said council spokesman Ned Cummings. "We wish him and his family all the best."

"Mr Elba is a great ambassador for Britain and the acting world," added Nigel Maycock, Stoke's ambassador to the UN. "His hard work in getting quality leading roles for black actors will endure."

"He is an inspiration for millions," politics student Amy Williams posted on social network FaceSpace. "I'd never have developed an interest in politics had Idris not played a politician. His influence will live on for generations."

Pulis Scores First Win As Cockney

It is unknown how Tony Pulis celebrated his first win as Crystal Palace boss last night, but it is believed by many to have involved traditional cockney activities such as eating jellied eels, singing songs about old women's laments around a piano and donkey punching.

"This was a good win, Tony'll be pleased with that," commented Stoke fan Kip Barngate on a message board at one of Tony's fan sites.

"Mrs P will be getting covered in jelly and punched on the back of the head tonight, that's for sure," says Palace fan Ian Peale after the game. "That's the way we do things down here. The Pulis family better get used to it, innit."

African State To Join Stoke?

African state The People's Republic of Mwanjibatou has made an application to become a part of Stoke. Leader of the country Godfrey Mwanji made the application via satellite during an internet poker game with members of the Council of Elders.

Mwanjibatou, formerly known as The Democratic Republic of Babatou, left the commonwealth last year in an angry response at alleged homosexual acts performed by members of the current British government.

"They all get upto it at them private schools man," said President Mwanji. "We want a permanent seat on the Council of Elders and a nuclear weapon and we're in," he added.

The Council of Elders has so far refused to comment on the speculation. "We do not comment on transfer speculation," said spokesman Henry Hubertsworth.

Police To Auction Items To Pay For Christmas Party

Hanley Police Station has confirmed via satellite today that it will be auctioning off items taken from crims and suspects to raise funds for a series of festive celebrations.

"The lads have worked hard this year and deserve to let off steam over the holidays," says spokesman Barry Shanks. "Crims are too lazy to do anything then anyway and this will save the taxpayer a lot of money. People should be thanking us."

Items going to auction include BMWs (the car of choice for today's successful crim), baseball caps, Adidas tracksuits, Xbox 360s and various illegal drugs with a street value of over £1 million.

"Any money left over after paying for the parties will go into a big pot," explains PC Shanks. "That pot, and it really is a big pot, literally a pot, will be an emergency fund for future parties. It means we can use our government funding purely for police work. For a change."