Teach A Man To Fish

By Steve Hyde, Stoke's most left wing man.

I've just returned from a trip to Africa, the source of life, where me and some friends went on safari, but we made time to see some of the paupers there too. I tried throwing some coins on the floor for them, they picked them up but had little awareness of what they were and threw them at each other like common pigmies. I tried to teach them to fish by showing them a video on my iPhone of someone fishing, and I could tell they were interested. When they get the river and lake I promised that the West will provide for them in the future they will have a knowledge of fishing that will stand them in good stead.

I see that Channel 4 is exploiting poor people "oop north" again for the benefit of their ratings in the TV show 'Skint'. I made a very similar short film for university, set in Stoke, called 'Skank'. Funny how Channel 4 rejected that when I showed it to them but have then made a very similar series just 13 years later?

Rapper Chris Brown may be going back to prison for violating the terms of his probation. Would he be treated better if he was Chris White? Fight the power, brotha!

Tony Pulis: From The Archives

As Tony Pulis says goodbye to Stoke City, let's take a look back at some of his key moments with the club from the EYE ON STOKE archives.

1 November 2002

Wot-ho! The news-wires have been a veritable flutter today with a story that Antonin Pulistein has been drafted in to be the new guv'nor of the boys over at Stoke City FC! Little is known of the hursute Welshman, though word is that he likes his association football to be as free-flowing as his beautiful, long flowing locks of hair! Looks like you Pottermusses will be in for a treat the next time you partake of a match over at the Britannia Stadium.

28 June 2005

It's with a heavy heart that one must report the departure of Tony Pulistein from his position as chief of playing staff at Stoke City FC. Pulistein, sporting a tidy side-parting, cream safari suit and leopard print neckerchief as he left the ground, kept a hearty stiff upper lip and waved politely to supporters as his hansom cab passed the assembled throng on his way to RAF Trentham, where those marvellous fly boys had an aerial display ready to lift his heavy heart.

14 June 2006

Rumour has it that Tony Pulis has agreed to return to Stoke City for a second spell as manager. More news to follow.

6 December 2009

A story for all you ladies out there: a naked fight between Stoke boss Tony Pulis and player James Beattie! The incident is reported to have taken place in the dressing room after yesterday's game against the Arsenal. Pulis, emerging from the shower, wearing just a skimpy, but fluffy, towel around his waste, his aged yet toned body still warm and glistening with water droplets, informed his boys that they would have to report for extra training sessions following their poor performance against the Gooners. Beattie was unhappy with this as he had a weekend-long bender planned, and let boss Pulis know in no uncertain terms. Pulis then launched himself at Beattie with a flying head-butt, the towel dropping to the floor as he did so, in a show of masculinity and leadership that the city of London will never have seen before.

14 May 2011

Stoke played like lions in today's FA Cup final, but were beaten to the trophy by the international playboys and dandies of Manchester City FC. Manager Tony Pulis, wearing his trademark fedora hat and tailored green suit, could do little from the sidelines but watch as his injury-ravaged team were marginally beaten by the millionaires up the road. Still, the lads performed well to get to the showpiece event and more finals surely await this young team in the future under Pulis's leadership!

21 May 2013

Tony Pulis has left his role as Stoke City manager for a second time, EYE ON STOKE has learnt. Buckling under pressure from johnny-come-lately fans, chairman Peter Coates and Pulis agreed to end Pulis's second spell as boss to allow the club to move in a new direction. Arriving at the Britannia Stadium in a track suit, baseball cap and cape, Pulis made his way to Coates's office, where they are reported to have openly wept into each others arms as they reached their decision. Peter Crouch is reported to be the early front-runner to take over as manager.

Problem? Let Uncle Terry Help

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Uncle Terry, I may have accidentally sold some weapons-grade plutonium to a country from the 'Axis of Evil'. What should I do? - "Mr Niblet", Packmoor

While technically treason, most people see this as wheeling-and-dealing. It's the culture we live in, thanks mainly to 'Only Fools And Horses'. Just make sure you've got a plonker like Rodney you can shift the blame onto if the shit hits the fan.

I've told everyone I know that I'm gay to be interesting and different, but I'm not really. It's gotten to the point where I'm gonna have to shit or get off the pot. Help me please - Phil, Cobridge

You've made your bed, now you're going to have to lie in it, I'm afraid. You can't go pulling people's heartstrings like that. And sucking men off really isn't that bad, you'll see.

While stalking a woman I work with, I saw her kill someone in what I suspect to be a racially-motivated attack. The old bill haven't got a clue, as always. Should I turn her in? - Jeff, Hanley

If you turn her over to "the filf" then you won't be able to stalk her anymore because she'll be stuck in the pokey. So if you plan on stalking her more, then no. You may even be able to blackmail her into a sexual relationship. If you want to be a hero, then go for it, but we both know you won't do that.

Crouchy Favourite For Top Job

Peter Crouch has emerged as the favourite candidate to take over from Tony Pulis as Stoke City manager.

The plan is for Crouchy to become player-manager of the Pottermusses, performing the role in much the same way as Kenny Dalglish did so successfully at Liverpool in the 1980s.

"They should just stop cock-teasing us and announce Crouchy as manager, it's what everyone wants," says Stoke fan Doris Ahmed, 100, who has decided to camp outside of the Britannia Stadium until a new manger is announced.

"Crouchy has got the chops to do the role," says season ticket holder Len Horseshoe. "He will have a distinct tactical advantage over other managers in that he will be able to see more of the pitch at any given time," adds Len.

New Console Reveal Causes Fights

The launch of the new Xbox One console, part of what a senior EA executive recently described as belonging the the 4th generation of games consoles, has been blamed for fights across parts of the city yesterday.

"The fights seem to be between Xbox and Playstation fans," explains Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "They both disagree about whose next generation console will be best, even though to most impartial observers, they seem to be pretty much the same."

The new Xbox One console

Fans of Sony's Playstation consoles, nicknamed "Gaystation" or "Paystation" by Xbox fans, believe their console's extra power make it the better machine. Fans of Microsoft's Xbox consoles, nicknamed "Hatebox", "Eggbox" and "Robbie Williams's Rudebox" by Sony followers, believe that their console's increased media capabilities make it the better machine.

"I don't know why they're fighting over something so petty," says PC Shanks. "Everyone knows that Nintendo is best."

Pulis Leaves Stoke, Lookalike “Gutted”

Champion Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz has been described as "heartbroken" after it was announced that his Stoke City manager doppelganger would be leaving the club.

Kuntz has been a Pulis lookalike for around 4 years and has established a worldwide fanbase, working under the stage name "Tony Pulis Germany". Contacted for a statement, his agent described Gunther as "too gutted to speak".

"Ich bin gutted"

Pulis was in charge of Stoke for 26 years, winning 38 trophies during his tenure. He once famously said that his main goal when taking over at the club was "to knock the Vale off their fucking perch".

Some Stoke fans are reported to have gathered outside of the Britannia Stadium, singing "Goodbye, Tony Pulis, who could play long ball like you?" to the tune of 'Ruby Tuesday' by The Rolling Stones. Meanwhile, unhappy West Ham fans have been heard chanting "You're just a fat Tony Pulis!" at their manager Sam Allardyce in an effort to get him sacked by association.

Clubs Gear Up For Summer Transfers

Soccer's off-season is an important part of the year for any team's preparations, not just a time when players go on holiday and roast girls with their mates.

Clubs use the summer break to prepare their squad for the season ahead. A major part of this is the transfer of players in and out of clubs, and the "transfer gossip" that comes with this is big news in newspapers and on websites.

"Transfer gossip is important to us," says a Stoke City insider. "It lets us know which players we are after and who our competitors may want. We are especially keen to get one over on West Brom, so we often look into the availability of players linked to that lot."

Jeb Kinghorn makes a living providing transfer gossip to newspapers. "It's a tough job, one of the very toughest," says Jeb. "I have a lot of competition from real transfers that are actually happening so I have to make sure what I come up with has got the chops to look like it could really take place. I have to factor in a lot of information: the clubs involved, a transfer fee, wage demands and a made up quote or two from 'insiders' or 'sources'."

Port Vales chief scout Ken Yip is grateful for transfer gossip columns. "A small club like the 'Scamps' can't afford to make up our own transfer gossip, so we rely on free transfer gossip from newspapers or websites. It really makes a difference for us."

So, can Jeb Kinghorn give EYE ON STOKE any exclusive gossip? "I will give you Shaun Wright-Phillips to Stoke for £6 million from QPR, with a quote from a 'source' close to the player of: 'Stoke are a big team and established in the Premier League. It could be an interesting project.'"

I contacted my Stoke City insider and gave him the gossip. "The transfer fee seems a bit high," he says. "But this does seem like the kind of deal we would do, so I will pass this information onto TP. Thanks."

Entertainment Reviews

By EYE ON STOKE's Entertainment Reporter Rufus Hilton

The Great Gatsby

Director Boz Luhrman ditches the boring novel's intrigue, subtle character studies and social satire in favour of a glitzy, star-studded pop video of a movie. Leonardo DiCaprio portrays the puffy-faced, gurning Gatsby to perfection and the modern pop soundtrack perfectly complements this period piece. A masterpiece. 5/5.

Out in cinemas this Friday

The Fall

This bleak BBC2 drama revolving around a creepy serial killer and the policewoman (Gillian Anderson) trying to track him down is a poor effort all round. It's often so dark you can't see what's happening very clearly and there's very little in the way of exposition to remind you from time-to-time of what's going on. The weird accents of the cast don't help either. It's no 'Touch of Frost'.

BBC2, Mondays, 9pm

Celebrity Juice

Keith Lemon injects new life into the under-used comedy panel show format with his hilarious antics in this ITV2 spectacular. Top notch, charismatic, A-List guests, such as Emma "Baby Space" Bunton, Rylan and regulars Jedward, join Keith for such exciting games such as rude Chinese whispers and downing pints of beer quickly, with Keith all-the-while having a go at the game celebrities, often pointing out that some of the female panellists have big titties right to their faces! Brilliant.

ITV2, most nights

Savages: "Silence Yourself"

The debut album from hotly-tipped Londoners Savages is something of a letdown. Instead of cheeky piano singalongs or urban-flavoured pop music, like you would expect from cockneys, we are instead treated to punchy, serious rock music of a new wave/post-punk style, favouring atypical song structures and thoughtful lyrics rather than catchy choruses and guest raps. Disappointing. 1/5.

Out now

Leave The EU And Go It Alone

By Dick Mellor

I see that UKIP did fairly well at the recent local elections. People say it's because the Tories have gone soft. And why is that? It's because of those gimp-wristed LIMP Dems of course, dragging the Tories down to their lazy, perverse, happy-clappy, dirt-munching level.

I see also that Michael Gove has said that, if it was his choice, the UK would leave those fecund EU types behind and have Britain go it alone, free to roam the world's highways without having an out-of-control, fat, bloated, gropey, hairy uncle saying "Don't do that!" at every turn. In no way has he come out and said this just to appease angry Tony voters who deserted the party for UKIP, he has said this because he is just telling it like it is, and those gimps in the lefty liberal media don't like it.

So Alex "Fergie" Ferguson has decided to call it a day? Please wait while I puke up my eyeballs then shove them right up my arse. Mr Fergie is one the highest donors to the Labour Party; typical lefty gimp, making a fortune for himself while people all over the world are starving. How does he sleep at night? on a bed made of money, no doubt.

Midweek Prayers

With Reverend Nigel

One Direction may be celebrating recent chart success, but my favourite boy band will always be the 12 disciples of Jesus. Apart from Judas, the Robbie Williams of the group.

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement. People point to his many cups as reason for his greatness. Well, Jesus Christ was the best manager of them all and he only needed one cup.

A big reason for Sir Alex's success was that he drank a lot of the blood of Christ, aka: red wine. Let this be a lesson to you all.

Biggins Guest Of Honour At 150th Anniversary Celebration

Stoke City great Wayne Biggins has been confirmed as the special guest at Stoke City's 150th Anniversary celebrations later this month.

http://www.stokecityfc.com/news/article/former-players-anniversary-803367.aspx

Biggins, nicknamed "the English Maradona", heads a list of former stars, including Gordon Banks and Sir Geoff Hurst, who will parade before next weekend's internationally televised game against Tottingham Hotspurs.

Stokies Told To Beware "Nawty Wittle Boy"

Staffordshire Police have told Stokies to be wary of a new menace in the city: a grown man who performs childish stunts in public places then says his catchphrase: "I been a nawty wittle boy".

The first incident happened just over a week ago at Mothercare in Hanley. The man, dressed as a baby, is reported to have gone into a corner of the shop then urinated over a Moshi Monsters display. When staff asked what he was doing, he turned around and said "I been a nawty wittle boy", before sprinting out of the shop and running towards the Potteries Centre.

A second incident occurred in Tesco, again in Hanley, when the man emerged naked from the mother-and-baby toilets holding a filled nappy. He again said his catchphrase to staff before legging it from the supermarket towards Etruria.

A fan page for the unknown man has been set up on Facebook. Bentilee resident Gill Growler posted: "He just needs some mothering, bless," while Cobridge mother-of-six Leeanne Conk wrote: "He can come suk on me titties anytime."

Deal Or No Deal?

A Stokie is celebrating after pulling off a stunning double: winning £95,000 on TV show 'Deal Or No Deal' then stinging the Government out of £7,000 in illegally-obtained benefits!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-stoke-staffordshire-22338876

Unfortunately for Caroline Banana, from Bentilee, pious Government agents went after her for the £7,000 she obtained by deception and prosecuted her in court to get the money back. The judge has ordered her to do 215 hours of community service and told her to sell her holiday home in Turkey to pay back the government what she owns.

Anger Over One Pound Houses

Stokies have reacted angrily to news that Stoke City Council is planning to sell off empty council houses for just one pound.

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Stoke-Trent-families-offered-pound-1-homes-ndash/story-16655826-detail/story.html#axzz2SDfQMqG6

"I've never paid for housing in my life and won't be starting now," says Fegg Hayes burglar Vinnie Johns. "I expect my house to come as part of my benefits package and won't be shitting up pound coins like a madman to buy a house I can get for free."

"What is this madness?" asks retired pensioner Tam Jitters. "I didn't suck off American servicemen during WW2 so that I would have to pay for housing in the future, this is inflation gone mad."

Scamps Promoted

Local association soccer team Port Vale, nicknamed "The Scamps", have been promoted up a division in the English pyramid league system to one division higher than the division they currently reside in, known as "Division Two" or "bottom o' barrel".

http://www.port-vale.co.uk/news/article/20130420-tears-of-joy-783910.aspx

Scamps manager Micky Adams, who took the boss's job for a second spell last summer despite managerial vacancies at Chelsea, Liverpool and Rotor Volgograd, has vowed to celebrate the team's promotion by eating one of every type of pie in the Wright's Pie shop in Burslem.