Lampard To Stoke?

Could mockney soccer star Frank Lampard be on his way to Stoke City?

Rumours are spreading all over the internet like a bad sex rash that the private school-educated midfielder has been spotted house-hunting in Etruria.

"Lampard would be a perfect fit for Stoke," says Pottermusses fan Doris Ahmed, 100. "He's used to playing the long ball style of tactics we employ and, if his past is anything to go by, he would like the loose morals of Stoke girls."

Lampard, whose contract with Chelsea expires this summer, has yet to comment on a proposed move to Stoke.

Ken Barlow Apology

Actor Ken Barlow, 74, has been forced into a humiliating apology after remarks he gave during an interview in New Zealand.

Speaking to Eye On Auckland, Barlow, 75, said that people from Stoke were paying the price for sins committed in former lives. "If you accept that you are pure love, and know that you are pure love, then bad things, like being from Stoke, won't happen to you," said the actor, 76.

"Ken, 77, has apologised for his comments and that is fine by me," says local councillor Jinky Watkins. "That puts a bolt into the head of this particularly sorry cow of a story."

"The fact that anyone in New Zealand has ever heard of Ken Barlow, 78, and would want to interview him is more fucked up than anything he actually said," commented local tourism expert and proud Stokie Dave Murray, of the Cobridge tourist board.

Stoke Business Runs Surprisingly Well Despite Absence Of Managers

A company in Stoke has amazed the business world by carrying on as normal despite the absence of its managers.

Staff at Steve's Oatcakes in Birches Head had to deal with a day's work without managers after they all went out for a corporate golf day. Work continued as normal and productivity actually increased.

"I am literally gobsmacked," said business analyst Gary Balls. "I don't know what to believe anymore. Everything I've ever known is wrong. This is a real 'game changer'. Maybe the future of business is not to have managers at all."

Steve Oatcake, who owns Steve's Oatcakes, has so far refused to comment, but is reportedly happy with recent tweaks to his golf swing.

Falklands War II

With the second Falklands War about to get the nod, how do Stokies feel about another battle with the Argies? And with a new Argentine Pope adding an interesting religious twist to the war, it's sure to be one of the highlights of the year.

Right-wing EYE ON STOKE columnist, and war enthusiast, Dick Mellor offers his opinion on this whole sorry mess:

"If the Argies don't want any proper 'argy bargy', they should keep their noses out of our shit. We all know what happened last time, they surrendered quicker than a Frenchman in high heels. The filthy Argies have no claim on these islands, either historical, territorial, ethnic or ethical, and know as much, the cheeky bastards. I say let's hit these temperamental latin southerners them with a pre-emptive strike, designed to knock out important information and power relays. Let's show these backwards bitches that we mean business. If they fail to heed the warning, then let's bomb them back to the stone age. They're not far from it anyway in my opinion."

Steve Hyde (real name: Stephane Dudley-Williams) is EYE ON STOKE's newest columnist, signed on a Bosman as he was unattached to any rival publications. He offers his left wing view on the situation:

"We should not give the Falklands back to Argentina. Nor should we keep them. I say: FREE DA PEOPLE! We've kept the Falklanders as slaves for long enough now, it's time to let them go! Either that or give them to Cuba. Hail Castro. Let's fight the capitalist war machine, starting right now with these useless awkward bastards in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Power to the people!"

Power To The People!

By EYE ON STOKE's new columnist Steve Hyde, Stoke's leading left-wing radical free thinker.

Women are one of the most oppressed groups of people in Stoke today. I'm not embarrassed to say that I am in touch with my feminine side and often wear women's underwear to better know what it feels like to be a woman. Girl power!

I think it's important that we support our crippled brothers and sisters out there. If I see an old fella or lass using a walking stick, I show my support by walking alongside or behind them (depending on the width of the pavement) with a pronounced limp. It makes me understand how difficult life is for them, and I think they respect me back too for highlighting their plight to passers-by.

I see that our fascist government is planning a cut on benefits and I am appalled by this. I claim benefits under several aliases and I can confirm that you don't get nearly enough money to live off. Of. I can barely afford to live in my student accommodation and I regularly have to go cap in hand to my parents to keep getting my allowance and inheritance even though I'm now 38 years old. That should tell you all you need to know about Div Cameron and Michael Go-away-ve.

Finally, an apology to some of my friends: I now realise that blacking-up recently may have been a bad idea, but I did it for all the right reasons, showing my love to all of my coloured comrades out there! I feel your pain bros and sistas.

Power to the people!

Cathedral Controversy

Hanley Cathedral is facing a deepening controversy over the burial 23 years ago of a notorious local crime boss, with reports emerging that the church accepted a £450 payment from the mobster's widow to allow his interment there.

A source at the Church of England told EYE ON STOKE that the then cardinal, Kenny Tarbuck, gave his blessing to the controversial interment of Steve Mingekicker, the former boss of Longton's notorious westside gang. The money was reportedly used to hold a disco for choirboys and to restore toilets.

The claims, which the Church of England has not officially commented on, may explain how such a criminal was buried in one of Stokes holiest sites, currently undergoing reconstruction work following a fire caused by a faulty lava lamp. Last week, to deflect growing criticism, it emerged that cathedral officials had decided to move the remains of Mingekicker from his special crypt.

It is likely that the body of Mingekicker will be moved to a less high-profile place of rest. The location will be decided after consulting a ouija board.

Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent the following request:

"My usual ride to the supermarket has bailed on me for this week. If you would like to take me, pick me up by the Prometheus-style head in Hanley this Saturday at 11am. I will be wearing a Pikachu onesie. I will bring some of my Mum’s magazines for you to read in the car while I shop. I will also reimburse you petrol money to the tune of 15 pence per mile, which I calculate to be about the national average."

Charity Controversy

A campaigner for disability charities has been sacked from her role after saying that city councillors should be put down to save public money.

Erica Gash, 13, a true belieber, has so far refused to apologise for her comments and said that this is the view of her belief system.

Justin Bieber

Speaking to Ken Barry at a charity hog roast to raise money for starving orphans in Africa, unaware that he was a conservative councillor in Trentham, Ms Gash said that councillors are "usless", "ugly" and "are paying the price for sins of a former life".

She told Cllr Barry that blowing their brains out was a waste of bullets and that we should "bludgeon them with hammers" then "let the perverts have their way with their bodies".

"Good riddance to bad rubbish," Cllr Barry told supporters at a recent fan club meeting when asked about Ms Gash, to wild applause.